Saturday, May 17, 2008

Blog Numero Dos

The Bigger Better Blog
Dear Faithful readers,

I am sorry for yesterday’s entry. Upon a second reading, it really wasn’t quite up to snuff. Much to short, rather unsubstantial, and definitely not one of the better links I’ve used in a thinly veiled attempt to distract you from actually reading. I’ve gotten a bit rusty. I guess there’s only one thing to do; get out the oil can lube up the ol’ joints and try, try again.

I just got back from South Dakota, a region often confused with North Dakota by non-Dakotans. The best way to distinguish between the Hearty Proud Dakotans of the North and our awkward Southern cousins is to compare the architecture. If you find yourself inside buildings made out of corn, you’re in South Dakota. Here’s an example:

Oh, sure, it looks exciting, but if you recall a certain three little pigs story, you realize how unwise it is to build structures from flimsy cellulose-based materials in regions of the world known to serve as habitats for:
It’s just not a good idea. We in the North know not to challenge the lung capacity of Canus lupis bigus badius. Our buildings are made from brick and the wolves leave us alone. Corn is for eating and corn cob pipes, not for building.

Also, they have an obsession with blowing up mountains to turn them into giant people. Again, this is risky business. What if those giant presidents come to life? All it’ll take is one lightning storm and this could happen! DEFINITELY NOT SAFE FOR BABIES OF ANY KIND!!!! (There’re some swears and not so family safe images)

It’s science people. There will be no corn for anyone. South Dakota, you really need to do a better job of thinking about the future!

Finally, in North Dakota, you may sleep wherever you choose. Not so in SD. There, it is illegal to sleep in cheese factories! Who are these monsters?!

So now that I’m back in the forward thinking, normal, but oh so exciting state of ND, I am preparing for my newest voyage. Tomorrow, I seek out the lands of Minnesota where I will begin my job as a people inflator. Yes, there are many other aspects to my job- knob twisting, button pushing, switch toggling, etc.- but the most noticeable thing about what I do is the person inflating. You see, surgery these days is not as messy as it used to be. Nowadays, some surgeons have opted for the laparoscopic route. That’s your word of the day, laparoscopic. Basically, it means that surgeons fill your belly with air and then poke a camera and some instruments in there to make you all better. Much cleaner than the old method that I’m sure you’re all envisioning right now, so there’s no need for me to describe. BUT, the new method cannot be performed without people like me running some of the various machines.

In preparation for this job, I’ve been practicing my skills at the arcade. Crane games for hand-depth perception coordination…and the occasional stuffed animal for defending me from bedtime monsters. Pinball to teach me patience and hone my reflexes to samurai-like precision. Dance Dance Revolution is teaching me how to handle nurses barraging me with thousands of commands (if I’m ever asked to arrow up arrow left arrow left arrow up arrow down arrows right and left arrows up and right arrow left arrows up and down arrow up arrow left arrow down arrows right and left arrows up and right arrow left arrows up and down arrow up arrow left arrow left arrow up arrow down arrows up and right arrow left arrows up and down arrow up arrow left arrow left arrow down arrows right and left arrows up and right arrow left arrows up and down, I’ve got it covered!). I even find a bit of time in there to practice assertive driving with Parking Ramp Perils 3: Rise of the Sub-Compacts. Yeah, I’m ready.

I’d say one the biggest perks of the job is the attire. I’m being paid to wear pajamas all day long. Enough said.

What else is there to report? Hmmm….I’ll think about it some more and return with another blog later. If I strain myself now, I might be out for the rest of the blogging season.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? It’s not Sioux Falls, SD. I know, I’ve checked.

I have once again taken to the road in search of treasure, glory, and adventure. This week, I found myself in the luxury of a SD Comfort Inn. To my right, the sights, smells, sounds, and other “S” words of South Dakota. To my left, a cup of rooibos tea.

Shakespearean Understudy for Romeo and Juliet: What, pray tell, is this rooibos tea of which thou doth speak?

ME: Uh…who are you? And how did you get in my blog?

Shakespearean Understudy for Romeo and Juliet: I know not how to tell thee who I am. My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself, because it is an enemy to thee.

ME:…uh huh. Reginald put you up to this didn’t he? He gave you his spare key so you could get in here muddle everything up with your “doths” and “thines” and codpieces and other ridiculousness. You’re working for Reginald aren’t you?

Shakespearean Understudy for Romeo and Juliet: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell just as sweet.

ME: Really? You’re going to do that? I swear, if you do nothing but recite lines from Romeo and Juliet, I’ll—

Shakespearean Understudy for Romeo and Juliet: Oh, swear not by the moon, the fickle moon, the inconsistent moon—

(A struggle takes place off stage. There is much shouting and many yelps of pain. Paul returns to the stage. He is out of breath, but victorious)

Sorry about that, Romeo and Juliet belongs in 9th grade literature books, not my blog. So where was I? Ah, yes, pulling one of my patented What-Was-The-Point-Of-That?!™ openings.Honestly, I don’t know. Maybe it has something to do with South Dakota’s water supply. I began to suspect something was awry a few days ago when I noticed I’ve been doing many things recently which are highly uncharacteristic of your garden-variety PaulStorm.
I’ve been waking up around 5AM
I have NOT been rolling over and back into my sweet slumber at 5:01AM
I bought a pair of Crocs. They are as comfortable as advertised; if you are croc-less, I recommend you get off your high fashion horse and buy a pair.
I’m opting for tea over coffee. Rooibos, by the way, is an excellent remedy for colicky babies. If you have or are yourself a colicky baby, Rooibos will make it all better. If you are a colicky baby, are you reading this blog unsupervised? If you are, do not go here, it’s for mature adults: I’m serious, baby!
I’m working?!

Yes, I recently joined the ranks of the tragically employed. No longer will my days be filled with mindless, free, flash games. No more reading for 5 hours and then taking an unearned nap. The days of lounging in my skivvies till 3PM are gone. I am now a productive member of society. What do I do? Well, I push buttons on machines worth much more than my annual salary. One button fills a person up with air. Another, fills that person up with even more air. Too many pushes and…well…let’s not talk about that. There are babies present, afterall.

If you are confused, I am afraid you will have to wait till tomorrow to find out more. Why? Because I am most exhausted from all the button pushing.