SIgns, Signs, Everywhere are Signs

Signs I may be the reincarnation of Robin Hood

When you become unemployed (or as I like to call myself, a not-for-profit freelance entrepreneur), it frees up a lot of time to pursue activities that have very little practical value. Most recently, I’ve been refining my parlor games skills. Air hockey, cribbage, Indian leg wrestling: the usual. I’m hoping to start hustling people in their homes next month. I’m so going to clean up if anyone suggests putting money down on a game of Old Maid or Catch Phrase.

Also in my repertoire/arsenal of games is darts. Yesterday, during my third hour of- alright, alright, fourth hour of darts- I threw a dart INTO THE BACK OF ANOTHER DART!!! As in, the point of the dart got lodged in the back of the other dart. Never mind that that dart was in the “1” section of the board, I threw 2 darts into the exact same spot on the board! I have photographs and an eyewitness to prove it.

My immediate thought about this nigh impossible event was to move to Loxley of Yorkshire, round up some Merry Men, find a guy named John, rob him on a bi-weekly basis, and give the pounds and pence I pilfered to the pouting poor public (say that 5 times fast!). Don’t worry, I realized that would be a silly thing to do since I’d have to live in a tree with J-Bo (my obvious choice for a Little John), adopt an English accent, and train a bunch of endearingly unhygienic peasants in the ways of combat and toothpaste. Hmm…besides the peasants, that doesn’t sound so bad…


Signs indicating I may be a hobo

I recently decided to give my beard another chance to show its multi-colored glory to the world (Red, white, brown, and black are in there somewhere). It’s in that awkward seedling stage just beyond 5 o’clock shadow. I realize this may be contributing to my lack of success in the “get a job, ya bum” category, but I thought it might be fun to have some bearddage again. It’ll probably go by the end of the week, but I’ll do my best to hang on to it.

Signs indicating I may be Martha Stewart

1. I cleaned the house quite thoroughly.
2. I started baking bread and other confectionaries
3. I know what a zester is for and what a rotary whisk looks like
4. I’m engaging in insider trading

Signs indicating I’m Arnold Schwarzenegger

I recently started going to the gym twice a day. That’s right, Paul has gone from no gym time to future Ironman. Well, at least half-marathon. We’ll see after that. Part of the reason for this is that I can’t run for more than 20 minutes without becoming so bored that I start looking around the weight room just to see what everyone else is up to. That is NOT a safe thing to do on a treadmill, elliptical machine, or anything that requires ‘balance.’ I’m also of the opinion that if I’m running, when I finish, I should be somewhere else. My weight hasn’t changed too much, but it has moved around a bit and I can now sit up hundreds of times in a row. Not entirely sure what that’s good for, but if all these people are doing it, there must be something that requires repeating the same maneuver over and over. Although, I’m starting to believe that working out is just the act of moving heavy things around so that I can get better at moving heavy things around so that I can get even BETTER at moving heavy things around. I think it’s some sort of scam.

Signs I may be a library

I’m reading (simultaneously)
-Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace
-The Jesuit and the Skull by Amir D. Aczel
-I can Read You Like a Book by Gregory Hartley
-The Indispensable Noam Chomsky, a collection of speeches by Noam Chomsky
-The Evolution of Human Morality by Richard Joyce
I know what’s going on in each book (I think)