Blog Numero Dos

The Bigger Better Blog
Dear Faithful readers,

I am sorry for yesterday’s entry. Upon a second reading, it really wasn’t quite up to snuff. Much to short, rather unsubstantial, and definitely not one of the better links I’ve used in a thinly veiled attempt to distract you from actually reading. I’ve gotten a bit rusty. I guess there’s only one thing to do; get out the oil can lube up the ol’ joints and try, try again.

I just got back from South Dakota, a region often confused with North Dakota by non-Dakotans. The best way to distinguish between the Hearty Proud Dakotans of the North and our awkward Southern cousins is to compare the architecture. If you find yourself inside buildings made out of corn, you’re in South Dakota. Here’s an example: http://www.ronsaari.com/stockImages/roadsideAttractions/cornPalace.jpg

Oh, sure, it looks exciting, but if you recall a certain three little pigs story, you realize how unwise it is to build structures from flimsy cellulose-based materials in regions of the world known to serve as habitats for: http://images.buycostumes.com/mgen/merchandiser/10172.jpg
It’s just not a good idea. We in the North know not to challenge the lung capacity of Canus lupis bigus badius. Our buildings are made from brick and the wolves leave us alone. Corn is for eating and corn cob pipes, not for building.

Also, they have an obsession with blowing up mountains to turn them into giant people. Again, this is risky business. What if those giant presidents come to life? All it’ll take is one lightning storm and this could happen!
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-69414486881463942 DEFINITELY NOT SAFE FOR BABIES OF ANY KIND!!!! (There’re some swears and not so family safe images)

It’s science people. There will be no corn for anyone. South Dakota, you really need to do a better job of thinking about the future!

Finally, in North Dakota, you may sleep wherever you choose. Not so in SD. There, it is illegal to sleep in cheese factories! Who are these monsters?!
http://www.dumblaws.com/laws/united-states/south-dakota

So now that I’m back in the forward thinking, normal, but oh so exciting state of ND, I am preparing for my newest voyage. Tomorrow, I seek out the lands of Minnesota where I will begin my job as a people inflator. Yes, there are many other aspects to my job- knob twisting, button pushing, switch toggling, etc.- but the most noticeable thing about what I do is the person inflating. You see, surgery these days is not as messy as it used to be. Nowadays, some surgeons have opted for the laparoscopic route. That’s your word of the day, laparoscopic. Basically, it means that surgeons fill your belly with air and then poke a camera and some instruments in there to make you all better. Much cleaner than the old method that I’m sure you’re all envisioning right now, so there’s no need for me to describe. BUT, the new method cannot be performed without people like me running some of the various machines.

In preparation for this job, I’ve been practicing my skills at the arcade. Crane games for hand-depth perception coordination…and the occasional stuffed animal for defending me from bedtime monsters. Pinball to teach me patience and hone my reflexes to samurai-like precision. Dance Dance Revolution is teaching me how to handle nurses barraging me with thousands of commands (if I’m ever asked to arrow up arrow left arrow left arrow up arrow down arrows right and left arrows up and right arrow left arrows up and down arrow up arrow left arrow down arrows right and left arrows up and right arrow left arrows up and down arrow up arrow left arrow left arrow up arrow down arrows up and right arrow left arrows up and down arrow up arrow left arrow left arrow down arrows right and left arrows up and right arrow left arrows up and down, I’ve got it covered!). I even find a bit of time in there to practice assertive driving with Parking Ramp Perils 3: Rise of the Sub-Compacts. Yeah, I’m ready.

I’d say one the biggest perks of the job is the attire. I’m being paid to wear pajamas all day long. Enough said.

What else is there to report? Hmmm….I’ll think about it some more and return with another blog later. If I strain myself now, I might be out for the rest of the blogging season.